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For those of you who don’t know, Angel is my scholarly alter who originally split to hold more Autistic traits that made it really hard for me to blend in at school. She was one of the first alters that K discovered, and though she was originally really cold and distant to everyone but K, she’s warmed up a lot to everyone over the last year or so. Over that same time period, I’ve become increasingly alright with acknowledging and allowing my own Autistic traits, and I’ve learned to handle a good deal of math and science problems, originally her domain, on my own.
Last week, we had a near miss integration. If I had noticed only a little later, we might have permanently integrated. As things stand, I stopped it and forced her to become separate again. Some of you might view me as crazy for that, but honestly, Angel is the last alter that I would want to see go. For one thing, she’s such a sweet alter, and she’s one of the few who’s still come out consistently with all of the recent internal drama. I’m used to her, and I really like her. Likewise, she has her own friends out here that she adores and who like her, and we’d all miss her if she was gone. As well, while she holds no trauma memories, I’m not actually sure that I could handle her Autistic traits as well as my own! I might have become alright with sensory processing difficulties and stimming, but she still has a lot of obvious differences to her that I just don’t want to deal with right now. Finally, she really is useful in academic situations because she specializes more than I do and so would have more value separate than integrated. Besides, she doesn’t want to integrate, and if no one involved wants it, I’m not comfortable with it.
Long story short, I’m hoping that if she does ever integrate, it will be years from now, when all of the less friendly alters have already gone. Maybe that’s the wrong way to look at things, but I don’t really care.
Here’s a situation every woman is familiar with: some guy she knows, perhaps a casual acquaintance, perhaps just some dude at the bus stop, is obviously infatuated with her. He’s making conversation, he’s giving her the eye. She doesn’t like him. She doesn’t want to talk to him. She doesn’t want him near her. He is freaking her out. She could disobey the rules, and tell him to GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER, and continue screaming GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME every time he tries to step closer, or speak to her again. And then he will be all, “I was just talking to you! WTF!” and everybody else will be all, “Yeah, seriously, why’d you freak out at a guy just talking to you?” and refuse to offer the support she needs to be safe from dude. Or, the guy might become hostile, violent even. Ladies, you’ve seen that look, the “bitch can’t ignore me” look. It’s a source of constant confusion, as soon as you start budding breasts, that the man who just a moment ago told you how pretty you are is now calling you a stupid ugly whore, all because you didn’t get in his car.
You could follow the rules. You could flirt back a little, look meek, not talk, not move away. You might have to put up with a lot more talking, you might have to put up with him trying to ask you out to lunch every day, you might even have to go out to lunch with him. You might have to deal with him copping a feel. But he won’t turn violent on you, and neither will the spectators who have watched him browbeat you into a frightened and flirtatious corner.
So we learn the rules will protect us. We learn that, when we step out of line, somebody around us might very well turn crazy. Might hurt us. And we won’t be defended by onlookers, who think we’ve provoked the crazy somehow. So, having your ass grabbed at the bus stop, having to go out to dinner with a guy you fucking can’t stand, maybe even having to fuck him once or twice, it’s a small sacrifice to avoid being ostracized, insulted, verbally abused, and possibly physically assaulted.
I hesitate over whether or not to tell people the truth, or report what happened to the police, because there are times where I doubt all of my memories. It causes me to worry that I made it all up in my head. If I don’t believe myself fully then how can I expect others to?
The optimist will say that killing yourself ends the pain, but it also ends any chance of life ever getting better. These people come in two kinds. The first are those who have never known true sadness, who have never felt the intense desire to cease existence, and the second are those who have escaped Hell. They’ve emerged with ear splitting battle cries while carrying the heads of demons. The latter are the people we should all listen to.
Question with 2 notes
Anonymous asked: I used to have DID. Or at least I think I did. I was lonely, didn't had much friends in school. That was nearly 5 years ago. I wanted to have friends so badly that I tried to make my own and I did. I called them Carly and Ethan. Well, I didnt know then but they were my fronter with me being core/host/ISH although all three of us can have the same memories, just different point of views. .. two years ago, I've got a better life, made new friends. Carly and Ethan stop appearing. I miss them? help?
Please try to keep an open mind about what I’m about to say. It’s probably not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth.
It would probably be best for you to focus on the life and friends that you have now. DID doesn’t form after a certain age and usually requires more of an incentive than just loneliness, and from what you’re saying, I don’t believe that Carly and Ethan were actually alters. They might have been more or less separate as your mind tried to help you handle your loneliness, but they seem to have been more of a direct coping mechanism than alters are. In that vein, they’re gone now because you no longer need them. Trying to recall an old coping mechanism when it’s no longer needed isn’t healthy, and I’m afraid that trying to force yourself to adopt pseudo-alters could actually hurt you. What you need to do now is nourish the friendships that you do have so that you no longer need to rely only on yourself for company. Focussing so much on an internal reality will just take away attention from the external reality, and that’s where your focus needs to be right now. I’m sorry for saying this, but I can’t advise you other than to tell you to try to focus more on your outside friends.
I’m a member of a DID group on Facebook, and often on there I see people discussing or recommending ways to force their alters into things. Tonight they were talking about suppressing your alters so they can’t come out or do anything at all and it genuinely confused me.
I understand that DID is hard, hard work and that having various alters popping up here and there can be inconvenient to say the least, but it still doesn’t explain, to me, why forcing alters into things is ever a good idea.
It hasn’t ever occurred to me to try to force my system into things, but I do know that if I tried that I wouldn’t be alive today. As a system we have all suffered and struggled in one way or another. A major part of the reason we have DID is because our right to be and to make decisions was taken from us. How, then, could I go and take that from them again?
I genuinely believe that the path to a happy and healthy system is compromise and cooperation, and forcing and dictation is the opposite to that.
It also confuses me how they even manage it. If I tried that with my system, they would do what they want anyway. They would also make sure I never saw the light of day again, or they would just make me suffer. As it is, we have persecutors who take pleasure in my discomfort and I know that I actually have it easy from them because of the fact I’m willing to try to compromise. Forcing them into anything would just endanger our life.
Our life isn’t perfect. We are all still struggling to stand, but I would much rather find my feet with a system behind me, who I know have my back, than have what appears to be stability with a system who hates and resents me, because when it all comes crashing down - and it will - picking it all up alone is awful.
Kate blocks us all the time, but she doesn’t really mean to. She just can’t shield her thoughts well, so she has to completely block us from the front so that she can get some privacy. I think it’s compulsive by this point, too, and it doesn’t help that Esther tries to keep us away too because she doesn’t think Kate can handle us right now. But Kate functions pretty well without us. I kind of wonder if she’d be better completely without us because she seems to be a lot happier when we’re not here, healthier, less scared or triggered or unable to function. So maybe forcing alters to do things is mostly bad (because I do think you have to sometimes make alters do things like work, go to school, eat, use the restroom, etc), but blocking people from front can be kind of necessary sometimes if a host just can’t handle things otherwise.
For those of you who have DID and who have significant others, how do you deal with it? Are your alters also romantically involved with your partner? Are there rules and limits for what the alters can/can’t say or do in terms of the relationship or their own (if they have any)?
I’ve always been curious about this, since I know that every system is different. Personally, I am the only one in a relationship with my partner. She accepts and loves the alters, but is not in love with them, nor is she in a romantic relationship with any of them. They can’t have physical relationships in the outer world, because they are in my body and personally, I would feel terrible knowing that my body was with someone other than Kate.
If you don’t mind me asking, what are your situations like? Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable.
Kate is mostly the one who dates other people. She had another girlfriend with DID in the past, and Casey and their persecutor kind of got involved, but most of the time, the rest of us avoid getting involved. We don’t really want to date anyone that she likes because most of us are older or younger than she is or are asexual, like me. Our partners have to accept that we have DID, and they should be polite to us and we’ll be polite in return, but there’s nothing more than that to it. I guess a lot of the Shadow Alters still really like our abuser, though, and they’re kind of holding out for her.
you can’t possibly be allistic. the five-year-old i babysit is allistic and you’re NOTHING like them.
normalityindisguise asked: Where did Angel go? -Jen
Oh, sorry Jen! Angel hasn’t really been coming out much lately. I think it’s because we don’t have a math class anymore, and our science class is almost all labs (I handle group work better than she does). When she next comes out, I’ll tell her that you wanted to talk, okay? Unfortunately, that might be a while.
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